theghostofsophie's Blog

At some point I will be able to keep up with my writing my blog but my life has been a bit hectic at the minute. With the therapy I've been going to and being out a lot with my boyfriend, I haven't had much time to do a lot else. But somehow I still have time to stay on top of homework, write my book and still have spare time. Yet there's so many things I still need to do. Luckily, I'm feeling very productive right now.
My therapy is going well and life is starting to make sense again. At the minute I'm waiting for my full course to begin but the initial meeting went extremely well. When I found out I would need therapy I kind of freaked out and wasn't looking forward to it at all, now though I feel more at ease with it even if it's still not my favourite thing in the world. As long as it helps, which I know it will, I'm fine with it.
Life with my boyfriend is great. We've been going out for roughly a month now and things are still perfect, if anything they're even better. We've gotten really close the past few days even if my dirty mind tends to turn every conversation kinky... I can't help it! The only trouble now is that his GCSEs are coming up and so we won't be able to see much of each other so he can focus. Sometimes it seems that life really hates us.
School life is really good, I'm getting to the stage now where I know I really need to get my work done and stay on top of things because I have my GCSEs next year. If I work hard I make life that little bit easier for myself next year. As well as homework I'm writing three books. The first is a rewrite of one of my past books and the other two are new ideas that are still in the pipelines. I somehow even have time to work out as well! Writing this has made me realise how much I actually do, my life is bloody busy.
Like I said, I'm feeling productive now and because life is good I'm finding things a lot easier. I'm getting more done and I'm not stressed. The next month or so is going to be hard for me and my boyfriend but I'm sure we'll work around it, I suppose not seeing him will give me that spare time though.

I'm back. A simple statement but there are a few meanings for me right now. The first is rather literal, I simply am back. I haven't posted on here in a while however, I have been keeping up with my friends posts as always. I'm not completely sure why I stopped posting there was no specially event only one week I was on holiday and that did prevent me. I find writing on here to be cathartic even if nothing in particular is wrong, I still find comfort in telling whoever cares to read what my thoughts are.
Throughout my life I've struggled to find myself as I'm sure I've mentioned before. Now I believe I've found myself and that may have something to do with a fairly big change in my life. I'm 15 later on in the year and I now have a wonderful boyfriend who likes me for me. I couldn't be happier and it's been a long time since I've felt this good. Another event tied in with this is the fact that a few days ago I had my very first kiss. It was perfect. I don't want to go into details because that's between me and him but it was everything I've ever wanted.
Life's good at the minute. I mean really good. I'm in love, I'm happy and nothing seems as if it could go wrong. I know this probably isn't the case but I'm going to love every second that I'm happy no matter how long it lasts.

This may be the most difficult blog I've written. That isn't because there are things in it that I don't want to talk about but because I honestly cannot remember what happened since last Sunday. For me this is a recurring problem as I can never remember what I do which is why I used to do vlogs or write my diary. I might have to go back to doing that again being as it helps.
Last week I mentioned my new friendship with a particular guy, we're still talking which is a shock to me if I'm honest. I thought he would borrow the CDs I lent him and that would be the end of it. Turns out that isn't the case. He let me borrow some of his and talks to me all the time whether that be online or in person. I had a little encounter with him the other day where he raised his eyebrows being as we couldn't talk and now my friends have decided I'm going to end up marrying him.
I've mentioned about having to go for therapy and now it's finalised. I have my assessment booked in and forms to fill out. As the date gets closer I get more nervous, especially if I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long. I'm going to have to leave school early to make the appointment and so I'm dreading what people will ask. I have to think of something to tell them so I don't tell them the truth.
One final thing that happened this week was something that really upset me and I honestly don't know why. The lad that is completely in love with me told one of my friends that I have 'issues'. I had a huge argument with him but then I felt awful afterwards. I think it was because he used the word 'issues', honestly I know I'm not exactly normal but I've grown to hate the words 'therapy', 'mental health' and 'issues'. It's not fair that after all I've been through I get labelled by every person who I come into contact with. I can cope with being judged, I'm an emo I'm used to it, but when I get labelled for things that I can't help it upsets me.

First off I both hate and love Mother's Day. I love it because I still get to treat my grandma however I hate it because of my mother. When your mother is an alcoholic there isn't much point in celebrating your relationship as there isn't one. This means that whilst everyone of my friends is gushing about how much they love their mothers I end up thinking how lucky they are but how they have no idea what it's like without a mother. She's still alive but it's like she doesn't exist, I never see or speak to her and so today for me is just like any other day.
Secondly, I have mentioned before about one of my friends genuinely driving me insane. Somehow this week I managed to fall out with her and make up rather quickly. I know she needs me and all that shit but after my therapist has told me to avoid containment her problems are something I don't need to hear. I struggle to understand why she suddenly had all these issues coming out of the woodwork when I began my therapy and why she chose to consider counselling. I know it's not fun but for some reason I suspect she's jealous. Sounds strange I know but I applied for Deputy Head Girl and she didn't even consider it before I mentioned it. Coincidence? No she's so paranoid it makes no sense why she would apply to have to represent the school in front of people. The point is I need space so I get chance to have time when I don't want to kill her.
I've made a new friend. Might not seem like a big deal but to me it is. He is a year older than me and I knew of him because I'm friends with his sister who's my age. Basically, he wrote a status saying he would love to be able to scream. I saw it and wanted to annoy him by writing a status saying I could scream (which is true) and it worked. We started talking and the next day he asked my if he could borrow a couple of my CDs. I have no clue why but I let him and on the way home from school one day he was in front of me with a couple of his friends. I was with one of my friends and we were talking but still noticed he kept turning around. Then one of his friends pointed to him and said 'he likes you'. I smiled but secretly died on the inside, I know it's a joke but still embarrassing much.

Considering it was the first week back to school after the holidays it's been fun. 'School' and 'fun' should really not be used in the same sentence. I'm so proud of how I'm doing at school now, I've done some homework Tuesday through to Friday so I've had a free weekend. A few times through the week my work has been praised which is one of the best feelings a person can experience, honestly when I get told something I've done is 'fantastic' in front of the class even though I get embarrassed I still feel immensely proud.
My friendships are going through to change at the minute. I'm part of a group of four really close friends and I have to be careful because one of them might read this. We were close but I think that there's underlying tension between three of us against the other one because she is seriously paranoid. We can't cope with it and because it irritates us we've grown apart. None of us want to fall out but we need distance.
I think my point this week is that we all need people who support us. I know that might not make perfect sense but when a teacher says I've done well I feel like they support me more. I feel like I can go to them for help because they see that intelligence and potential within me and so will be willing to help. As for friendship that bit does make sense, are friends support us through a lot and even though one of my group is drifting from us I still want to help her with this damn paranoia even though I know it's going to be hard. It's the same for me, I know my friends are supporting me now that I have to have therapy. 

I haven't been around for a while but that's not by choice. Well not quite. The first Sunday that I didn't write my blog was the 10th of February and that was because I had the best night of my life at an Asking Alexandria concert. I would talk more about it but I'm choosing to make this a fresh start and so not to think about my past at the minute. The point is that having the few weeks away from writing and the events that have happened since then have caused me to change. I have stopped recording vlogs because they just didn't seem right for me and now I'm writing this blog with more consideration about what I'm saying and my point.
I've found out a lot about myself recently. I now have to attend therapy sessions for a problem that I didn't know I had. Basically, I have a problem with anxiety it stops me from doing a lot and I need to sort it. When I was told this by a professional who then referred me to CAMHS I despised the words 'mental health' and 'therapy' because it's something I never thought I would have directed towards me in a serious manner and especially not by someone who's job it was to deal with that kind of issue. So I've had books to read to help me understand and a breathing exercise for the tricky situations. I know now, thanks to a friend, that it's something I can and will overcome no matter what happens or how long it takes.
I'm a different person to what I was before when I was frequently posting on here. I was still honest and everything I said was true but I wasn't taking into account what I was saying and I was being pointless. Now I want to restart my EP life so that I can see how I've changed by keeping my old stories and blogs but making sure my new posts have more meaning and are definitely of better quality. I still want to post on a Sunday being as it's the end of the week and this could be my way of unloading my week to people who aren't going to judge me giving me a fresh start for the week to come. I'm trying to deal with a lot of things (yes I'm aware 'things' is a place-holder but I'm working on it) and hopefully I could write a story for each to help me understand and work on them.

The main emotion I have felt this week has been stress being as I've had homework all of which I've managed to stay on top of but I've put so much effort into it that I've been exhausted. I had a maths test which I got the highest of the year but none of that matters any more. The two top classes are being split 'equally' which is not fair on the top set at all because how do they benefit. The day I found out at school I was fuming and had an argument with pretty much everyone.
Every piece of homework I've had I have put as much effort as possible into and it's left me thoroughly exhausted every night. I began to enjoy putting this much effort into my work and I felt so much pride towards the outcome managed to create. I haven't had much happen this week so this will be short.
The final thing was something that I seemed to not be too affected by surprisingly. The guy that I mentioned last week that really likes me admitted having as he put it 'erotic dreams' about me. That was really unexpected when I found it out but after he told me the details of these dreams he then confessed to loving me even more after promising he would stop bombarding me with compliments. When will he ever understand that I don't want to go out with him.

This week I've noticed that I'm really organised. I've been staying on top of my homework and school things as well as working on my story. I even managed to create a fitness plan which is something inspired by having to do it at school. The only way in which my organisation fails is whilst I film my vlogs: I should really write down what I want to say beforehand. Maybe I'll start doing that soon enough.
I had my first meeting as Deputy Head Girl on Friday with the Junior Leadership team. I was surprised at how well it went and the points that people came up with. After not knowing what to expect I think next week should be easier as we all have to think about things we want to talk about. The only downfall is that tomorrow we all have to sit on stage during assembly so people know who we are.
I have an admirer. Personally I'd say he was a stalker because he's asked me out four times now and won't take no for an answer. He is incredibly sweet but he just doesn't get that I don't want to go out with him. One of my friends thought I had another admirer thanks to him posting a message to me that made people think he was my boyfriend. I'm either alone or have stalkers, I just cant win!
This is how obsessed with music I am: the highlight of my week was buying three CD's. I decided to go shopping and I was told that hmv was cheap what with it possibly closing so I thought I'd get something. I ended up buying The North Stands For Nothing by While She Sleeps; Straight To DVD by All Time Low and then spending 5 minutes deciding if I wanted Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold or Scream Aim Fire by Bullet For My Valentine, I ended up getting the latter. See this is how bad my music obsession is and I still want more!

My main success this week was being told I was Deputy Head Girl. I applied last week and it turned out that it was only me and my friend that had applied for it. We got letters saying that there was going to be a group discussion to decide which candidates would get the chance to be interviewed, but this didn't happen. The teachers had decided that we were all going to have interviews and so we waited two hours while everyone else went before us. It was my first ever interview but I somehow managed to stay calm. The day following the interviews we were told that they couldn't choose between us and so both of us would become Deputy Head Girl.
Ever get the feeling someone likes you too much? I know for certain that someone likes me too much. This week I have spent most of my time talking to a guy I know from school. He asked me out last year and I told him no but he seems to be very persistent. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and says some of the sweetest stuff I've ever heard but I feel so bad that I don't like him like that at all.
To top off the week it has been snowing like mad which has made everything so much more beautiful even if it is freezing. The first major bit of snow that happened on Thursday I ended up stood outside in a short dress waiting to go to the theatre which was amazing. It was worth it though because the show was incredible and I didn't manage to fall over or get hurt in any way! Trust me that's a miracle being as I am so accident prone, I'm capable of hurting myself in an empty room!

This week was the first week back at school after the Christmas holidays and it was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. On the first day I got told I was going to get an A on my French exam, my artwork was beautiful and that I was a great candidate for Deputy Head Girl. I don't think the first day back could have gone better!
I put a lot of trust in my three closest friends by telling them something that I thought I would never mention. It's something that I will never post on here because it really is that bad, but I trust them with my life and it felt good to finally tell them although it was hard to put into words.
I got some amazing news this week. Next month I'm going to see Asking Alexandria and I found out that Ben Bruce is doing a signing so I get to meet him! I got my copy of Wretched and Divine: The Story Of The Wild Ones of course the Deluxe edition. Some more news was the latest additions for Slam Dunk which I can't wait to go to as well as when I go to see All Time Low!
I have to say that the highlight of my whole week was one event. A smile. I was having a bit of an off moment and I was holding back tears when I saw this little girl in the sea of people. She caught my eye and smiled at me. I cant describe the way it changed me. I was thinking about the innocence of children after that and the innocence that I have lost. I know I'll never get it back but to see children out and about who have no idea. They have no worries and don't have to face criticism daily. Whenever I feel upset I'm going to think of that girl that I will probably never see again and hope that her smile will always brighten my day. 

We're only 6 days into 2013 and already I've been thrown into so many challenges that I don't need. To start with as I've mentioned before my mother being an alcoholic is something I've lived with my whole life but it still gets no easier when she has yet another relapse. New Years day was the first day since Christmas that it happened which may not seem a long while but trust me it's an achievement. I can't be doing with the arguments that are involved with my grandma because neither or us can cope.
At the start of the year I was happy, I was proud of the work I was proud of what I'd accomplished. I was trying as hard as I could to keep on top of my resolutions. I started doing my vlogs again and I'm watching them back to write this, its upsetting me to see how happy I was with life. The amount of times in each vlog I say I'm good or life is good is just unbelievable.
My relief has been getting into Astrology again. I used to check my horoscopes daily but then I stopped again. I got more into it this time and understand it more, I've even managed to give a reading to my friend as well as looking at mine everyday. Its been a way to distract me from what is supposed to be my life. Even Astrology isn't enough to stop me thinking of things that I could do to cope with things.
There's one final thing that I really need to get off my chest and that is yet another argument between me and my 'friend'. She decided that something I hadn't realised she didn't know was my fault and had an extreme go at me. This may not seem like a big deal but it has made me so furious with her for exaggeration yet again about absolutely nothing. Anyway, rant over, I hope that anyone who reads this has had a better start to 2013 than I have and I hope you have an amazing year. 

I had to do this blog, there was no way around it. This time last year I would have said I want to lose weight and that would be the end of it. This is what happened every year but now I realise that's both unrealistic and unhealthy. For once I've finally figured out exactly what I want to get out of life. I wouldn't say I've put a lot of thought into it as these are things that I've wanted for a while but for the first time I've wrote them down and looked over them several times to change them. So here they are in no particular order (the order in which I wrote them originally)
1) Finish what I start
This is a huge deal to me because I get sick of starting something and then leaving it halfway through. This applies mainly to four things in particular not just life in general. The first being a lyrics project I started a while ago. I decided I wanted to write out lyrics so that I could look back and remember what I was like at that time. It sounds odd but it means something to me, the only trouble is I've been putting it off and I need to stop doing that. I also have a Wreck This Journal and I'm determined that me and my friend will finish them by the end of next year. The third thing is some art that I've been doing and they're not even for me, I've been asked to do them and I still haven't got around to it which I'm upset about. The people who have asked me to do this have given me as long as it takes but I haven't even looked at it for the past month or two. Finally I'm in the process of writing my second story that I publish on the internet and that is another thing that I want to finish by the end of next year.
2) Do daily vlogs
Even though these vlogs stay private they're cathartic for me and save me from venting to someone who has their own problems. They aren't always negative though and I often talk about what I've enjoyed during my day. The best part is that they help me remember what happened in the week so that I can write about it in my blog on a Sunday.
3) Write my diary everyday
I got to a point a few months back where I was in a routine of writing my diary before I went to sleep, something happened that resulted in me neglecting to do this and it means I've lost records of what I've done on a daily basis. I used to think I had to write pages and pages but now I realise I write about what I care about and what feels important.
4) Use my calendar
This is something else that will probably sound odd but I manage to use my calendar or diary for several months and then I forget they exist and never use them. I always see my mother when she uses her diary and its falling apart and for some reason unknown to me that's something I've always wanted to be able to do.
5) Work as hard as possible at school
This is probably a given but there's so much pressure sometimes I just crumble and think of school as nothing but a punishment. I know its not that way and I know I need to get my act together improve my grades and take every opportunity that comes my way. This is what I keep telling myself about applying for Head Girl; it will look great on my CV.
6) Stay healthy
Rather than lose weight I thought this was more appropriate. I'm not overweight but I would like to stay this way and not let myself go and turn into something I hate and don't want to be. I don't want to be one of those people who is so self conscious that it takes over and they become something they're not.
7) Be more selfless
I can be extremely selfish at times and I didn't realise that other people have problems. I'm definitely getting better but I think its just a matter of me shutting up and letting someone else say whatever they want and for me to just listen.
8) Go out more with my mates
We've had this conversation before that our little group of four should really go out more places. Even if its just shopping we need to get out. I have three concerts lined up for next year and I hope to go to more which is yet another thing that involves one of my friends and means we will get out. I know people say things but this is something I'm determined to do something about.
9) Work on my guitar
I've been playing guitar for about six months on and off and I really would like to get better at it. A few days ago I was watching one of my favorite bands music videos and I just sat there watching their guitarists thinking I want to do that. Two of my friends have given me a list that's got way too many songs on it that I will try to learn next year.
10) Stop doing things I regret. Enjoy being alive! Enjoy life. Enjoy every moment!
How do I put this, I have a habit of doing just one thing that immediately after I regret and I want to say no it isn't cutting because I don't mind admitting that. It's something I don't want to admit and so next year I'm determined to stop. The main point of this resolution is that I realised I'm alive. I'm damn lucky to have the life I do even if its not always perfect, its better than some other people's and so I'm planning on enjoying every moment and smiling all through 2013.

Maybe it's because it's Christmas but I'm content right now. I'm getting what I need to do done and I'm feeling good about a lot of things. The first being the complete turn around with one of my teachers at school. No joke, my friends and I thought she hated me after she heard me slagging her off one day after class but last lesson she did not shut up about me and kept saying my name by accident. Now she is going to help me with my letter applying to become head girl at our school. She kept me behind after class to try and convince me to do it. I don't know what to think about that anymore but I'm starting to wonder why I hated her in the first place.
Second thing is that my mum is finally spending Christmas with me and my grandma. I have to say I am so fucking happy about that. I haven't had a good Christmas for at least three years and everything seems to be falling into place. I'm also happy for her because she's started talking to one of her ex's again who I saw for the first time in four years a couple of days ago and it was like nothing had ever happened. If she's happy so am I.
I'm starting to think about my new year's resolutions and I know there's going to be a lot. I know there not going to be normal either but I'm not writing them until next week. I'm starting to figure out who I am which I've wanted to do for ages now. It's something that has really upset me in the past how I never know what I want to do with my life or who I want to be but I know for a fact that next year is going to be my year. The year I find myself and break out of my shell. Bring on 2013.

Even though I'm coughing every 2 minutes, and no that isn't exaggeration, I still wanted to write me blog because it's now another routine thing in my life, just like school only this is by choice. Anyway, this week I'm gonna struggle slightly because its another week without my vlogs, but this time it wasn't my fault. Also, I didn't get up to much so there isn't a huge amount of stuff to say.
I'll start with the good. Monday and Tuesday were perfect-ish. I did my vlogs and I stuck to what I said about being a better person. I had good days, I was happy well until someone decided she was going to give me looks because I was, in essence, right. People always confuse me. I had pretty good comments off the teachers as well, there were no accusations of being a cheater this week which is always a bonus. My mum's back in my life again which I'm happy about it means that the moaning I put up with off my grandma isn't only on me. Then everything went downhill.
Waking up on Wednesday morning, I knew I was going to have the day off school. During the night I'd been sleeping on and off and I wasn't able to swallow without it hurting (that is not meant in a 'that's what she said' way either). My alarm went off and as I sat up my head was pounding so I lay back down and tried to sleep. This was the same thing for four days. I had three off school and on Saturday I was too unwell to go out with a friend, the same friend that had given me the flu in the first place! Today has been the only day where I feel okay even with all the coughing I'm doing.
Everything's going back to normal tomorrow, I'm going back to school to face the demons, and my life will carry on. Surprisingly, I don't want it to. Other than being ill I loved being off school I didn't have to worry about times, like will I sleep enough or when do I need to get up, instead I could curl up in my pajamas and watch whatever I wanted and then do whatever I wanted. The only other good thing about being ill is that I've lost weight! I don't wanted to be the person who isn't fat and says they are because I don't want to sound arrogant or anything but its obvious that I'm not fat. I'm not anorexic and I don't want to be but I won't be harmed by losing what I have. I lost my appetite because of it and I don't seem as of yet to have got it back, it'll happen soon enough. Better get an early night tonight I'm not used to getting up anymore.

This whole blog has been the result of one test result. One. Something that isn't going to affect a lot of things. This week I got accused of cheating on a test. a bad test result and I even stopped doing my vlogs. I hate the fact that everything has changed because I was happy last week. I stopped doing my vlogs by accident because I forgot on Tuesday and then forgot full stop.
Every Sunday night I always say to myself that when I wake up I want to change my life and be a better person. This normally involves me trying to be healthier and be nice to people and to be consistent with certain routines that I like to have. This never works because normally I forget in the morning or I stick with it until the middle of the week and get bored. It's no surprise that tonight, or rather now, I'm going to tell myself to make those changes that I always want to make. Let's see how long it lasts this time.
I'm finding it hard to write a blog today being as i have no clue what happened this week. My memory is really bad but I think it's to do with my childhood. I can't remember what I did at the start of this week so when someone asks about my childhood I can't remember anything. It wasn't necessarily bad but I was alone a lot being as my mum would be passed out drunk or unable to look after me so people say I blocked those things out from my mind. It seems that now I block out everything that ever happens and I know it must annoy people because it drives me insane. That's why the vlogs were really helpful it meant that I could watch them back and see on a daily basis what happened and how I felt about things. I will start doing them again.
I'm making promises to myself whilst writing this that tomorrow is a new start. Its like people on New Year's Day with their resolutions except I end up saying the same thing every week. I follow it up by "and this time I mean it." Each time I really do and so i'm going to try and stay positive and follow through for once.

This week has been more level with less ups and downs and ultimately drama. There's been physical changes and mental changes and God am I glad with them. There's been no suspected mental breakdowns and I'm now happy, or at least I think I am. There has only been one incident that came close to being unhappy so I'll start with that. It was last night at what in our town is called Dicken's Night and basically I just kinda gave up. I don't know what on but I just felt so deflated and lonely until I met up with some people later on in the night. That sounds really harsh to the people who I was with before but it's not that I didn't enjoy being out with them it was just not as good as it got, sorry. But anyway, I ended up watching fireworks with 4 lads and me under my umbrella which was a bit of a squeeze but it was a laugh. That only happened because I got ditched!
Anyway the main change. I was a redhead and now my hair is black. I know I'm gonna take a load of shit for it and I already got one comment about 'turning emo'. If anything I'm way past the point of being emo. I don't necessarily find that a bad thing, but that's personally, in everyone else's mind being emo means hating life and everyone, cutting yourself and listening to heavy metal. Okay so by their definition yes I am because I've done all of that at some point and I still listen to heavy metal but now I've gone all the way and have black hair. There's a few people that have seen it and says it suits me which I'm so happy about, but there's gonna be people who make those comments that I pretend don't hurt yet I'll just cry about it later. Anyway, even I'm not used to it yet, I walked out of my room and caught sight of myself in the mirror and had to do a double take because I didn't recognize myself.
The final thing is actually quite a big mental change. I'm sick of being called a bitch by pretty much everyone, I know I'm mean I can't help it, but getting called evil is something else. I got to a point a few days ago when I just flipped and thought I'm sick of the bullshit! People say I'm evil and they're doing exactly the same thing! Hypocrites! I got sick of people being two-faced and I honestly think I'm not. If I don't like someone they know about it. That's the worst part I don't like talking behind people's backs and denying it when they find out. There is just no point.
I know what I want now, I know how I feel about things and I know what I'm going to have to in effect 'save myself' from. I'm certain of a lot of things and I want to stay this way. I doubt that will happen though because of school, people and every other obstacle that decides to annoy the hell out of me.

This week has had more ups, downs and loop-the-loops than a roller-coaster! I've reignited old friendships and been more productive than ever. I've finally gotten around to posting a story on here, I've done the homework that I've been putting off and I'm trying to get everything done so that I eventually have free time that I'll then fill with whatever project I want to work on next.
This week started off really bad. I thought I was having a breakdown and I had no clue what was the cause of it. My friends were feeling helpless and I was tearing my hair out. I thought on the Monday night that it was one of those things that would be better in the morning normally I'm like that, but not this time. The Tuesday was worse and even though it was only two days I had no idea what I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to cope. Then everything got brighter again.
The last few days I've started talking more to someone I used to be close to but it kind of dwindle into just small talk and rare conversations. Now we're talking a lot more and have found things we have in common that I never thought possible. It has given me a more positive outlook on life showing me that people can change, I have. I mean I hated this girl with a passion and its the same girl that I'm now talking to often, if that isn't a change in a person I don't know what is.
Most nights I lie in bed and think tomorrow I'll do something productive and get the things I need to do done so I have time to do something I enjoy. Funnily enough I never get around to doing those things and just procrastinate. Finally I managed to do something. Today of all days, on a Sunday when most people relax and use it as their day off I did so much. I managed to do some homework that hadn't formally been set which took me two hours so I was extremely proud of myself. I even managed to carry on a project I started and abandoned a few months ago. I got around to posting my first ever blog which I've been dying to do for ages and yes I may be exhausted and just want to go to sleep but the feeling of satisfaction is so worth it.